October has already been filled with so many things for me to be thankful for.
#1 on that list is the fact that my husband and I got to go on a dream vacation to Italy. Say what?? I still can’t believe it. Pinch me.
We were in-country 8 whole days and got to experience all the beautiful art and architecture and eat all the delicious carbs we could stand. I couldn’t be more grateful for the opportunities that provided us the way to make that happen. God has been really good to us in so many ways.
BUT… in Bee-like fashion – the reality going on in my mind prior to the trip was a different narrative than this wonderful/amazing trip we were going to have. My anxieties were at an all-time high BECAUSE of all the dreaming, planning and saving that went into making the dream a reality.
What if I don’t fit in the airplane seat?
What if I can’t keep up or do ALL THE THINGS I’d like to because of my weight.
Italians are all super thin and well dressed. They’re going to totally judge this fat girl from Kansas.
What if it just doesn’t live up to all the expectations I’ve had for this trip??
In hindsight these things seem so superficial, but I will honestly say I never really wanted to go on this trip until my life was perfectly put in place. I wanted to be a certain weight and have all my “stuff” together. We bought the plane tickets and in my mind I immediately set a timer for when I needed to have this checklist of items done so that this trip would be PERFECT!
Lose the weight
Have a great marriage
Have loads of money saved up so we can do ALL THE THINGS!!
No pressure or anything, right??
But guess what… life happens. I didn’t lose the weight. The hubs and I are in a good place, but there’s always room for improvement. And although we had a nice nest egg for this trip, we still had to be very mindful of our spending. However, NONE OF THESE THINGS prevented us from going and having the time of our lives.
So why do we do this to ourselves?
I am so guilty of thinking beforehand about every single what-if that could go wrong and a lot of times it sabotages the event before it even happens. So when those limiting thoughts and worries crept into my mind, I had to make a choice. I was either going to let it in and let it shape my attitude and our entire trip, or I was going to shut it down and give myself some grace.
My weight or anything else was not going to have ANY bearing on getting to go and enjoy every second of the trip. And no one else gets to decide how I feel about myself. I knew that I may not be as fast or able to go as long as others because of my weight, but I can stop, take a break, rest, take care of myself, love myself, and keep moving and going. And I did just that. I don’t feel like I was held back and I got to see most everything on my wish list. It was an amazing trip!
There was one item in particular on my bucket list for Florence. I had researched some of the top things to do and hands down, one of the most popular answers was going up to Piazzale Michelangelo. It has one of the most breathtaking views of the city. You can reach this pinnacle by bus, taxi or by walking. I didn’t want to take the easy way out. I wanted to earn it, so I made the goal to walk, climb or do whatever was involved to get up there.
Oh man. It was a trek! Maybe not for the great looking Italian guy I saw running up the hillside barely breaking a sweat. But this gal wanted to quit about halfway up. We made it up a section at a time only to turn the corner and find another hill, or long passage of stairs to climb. This tested me. Part of me is embarrassed to share all this, but the other part of me is so incredibly proud that I didn’t quit. I had to stop a few times to catch my breath, but I kept on going. I climbed every stair and walked every single steep hill to finally be able to look over and see one of the most incredible views. It was worth every single step and every single unattractive heavy breath I took.
I can tell you that the view alone was spectacular, but knowing that I was up there and getting to experience it because I didn’t give up on myself was a moment I’ll never forget. It was like a light came on for me. Right before the last hill was the very moment when I thought I couldn’t go any further. I had to stop and sit down for a moment to be able to find my breath again. I was tired. I wanted to give up. I was afraid people were looking at me and judging me because I. WAS. STRUGGLING.
Once I caught my breath again, I looked up the hill and managed to muster up enough energy to almost march my way up the last few meters. When I took the final step to put me on flat surface on top of that mountain, a large gust of wind blew through my hair and I felt incredible! I looked over the edge and the view literally took my breath away again. That triumphant moment was when I knew all the effort was worth it. We stayed up there for several hours enjoying the view, capturing pictures from every angle, and watching the sun set. It was the perfect evening.
The moral of the story…
Don’t give up. Even when things get hard, its usually in that final stretch when we’re not sure if we can make it or if the end is even going to be coming soon that we let down our guard and give in to the demons within that are telling us it’s not worth it any more. The home stretch may be the hardest, but if you don’t give up, you will reach that mountain top. You will feel the wind in your hair and you will reap the benefits of all the hard work.
If you’re waiting for the perfect timing, the perfect situation, or the perfect WHATEVER to go after something, it’s never going to happen. Like I always say… do the thing today that is going to make your life better tomorrow. Whatever it is, go for it. Even if the end goal can’t be accomplished right this second, you can still work toward it. Accept and love yourself as you are and keep moving forward. Most likely, you’re going to grow and change along the way anyway. But if we’re too caught up in superficial ideas on what we think we “should be” for something to happen we may miss the opportunities to grow in ways we never thought imaginable. We may miss the view.
